what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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