I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
