I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
