I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
