the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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