i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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