I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
