But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm really busy with my period
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