chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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