mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
