he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
