"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
