Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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