Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
