you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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