I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
