just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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