I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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