On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
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You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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