ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
