Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's shark week go big or go home
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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