I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
