Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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