Soap is not a condiment
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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