you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
