whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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