next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
