You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
