I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you had me at cake vodka
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
