we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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