There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
