I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
