how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we're making bets on your personal life
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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