just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize