Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
