Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
