i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We got so high we made milksteak
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
