oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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