Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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