Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We have so much sex to catch up on
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
