Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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