Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
