The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
