Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
