I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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