I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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