Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
