good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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