dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
