saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
