Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
