Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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