I just saw a hot homeless man
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
