in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
