last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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