OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
