The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
