cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
