Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
