Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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