Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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