i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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