arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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